Saturday, February 28, 2009

The Song Remembers When....something for my kids

This blog is going to be somewhat random. I found about 10 minutes to run in here and share some random thoughts!!!! I can honestly say I have not been deliberately neglecting my blog. After what seems like the longest sickness run EVER at the Smith Ranch, I couldn't find it in my realm of sanity to get on here!
Last night, we came across some old home movies that opened up places that my heart had locked away. Videos of Chance at such a young age. As I sat there and watched my little man, in diapers, and speaking in that tiny voice, a flood gate of memories came to my mind. And in that moment, I realized how much time I had taken for granted! I saw myself next with precious Bella in my belly, and my handsome prince talking in third person ~ "I wanna see Chance. Cool Dude." All these songs started popping in my head. Songs that had never had real meaning until my children came and took over my life!!! So I have been on a quest today. Finding pictures of when they were smaller, and soaking up and re-living all those moments that I know now are a gift from The Lord. So that is what this blog will be. A walk down the "memory lane" that I could find.....Each one complete with a song that will take me straight back to that time....
ANGEL EYES: Here is precious Bella on her 1st Birthday......"So tonight I lie- stars above..How Did I ever win your love? What did I say? What did I turn your angel eyes my way........"

Christmas at the Smith Ranch is always such a special time...My kids LOVE LOVE the song Jingle Bells....I remember this picture...that is all Chance wanted to sing!!!!!!!!! Bella was 6 months old, and Chance just 3 1/2.......Jingle All the way

The next pictures make me think about that song..Let them Be little. They always used to go under the table and hide, and they would laugh cause they really thought I couldn't find them......SOOOO:
Let them be little cause their only that way for a while....Give them hope give them strength, give them love everyday. Let them cry, let them giggle, let them sleep in the middle....Let them Be Little....

In my Daughters Eyes........ (Enough Said)

The day we went to have Chance, JD had called the radio station and had them play the George Strait song..A Fathers Love...This is Chance's third birthday picture....That song is the first thing I thought of when I saw this....I can still remember the tears in my eyes as I drove to the hospital with that song on the radio....
"Let me tell you a secret about a Fathers Love, a secret that my daddy said was just between us...... "

His First Halloween.........

I am just living in a reality of how fast time goes by, and how I will never get these days back. It makes me think of the Trace Adkins song, "Then they do"....
We can't wait for them to grow up...
"Then they do, and that's how it is...
Its just quiet in the morning, can't believe how much you miss,
All they do, and all they did. You want all the dreams they dreamed of to come true....Then they do........"

Thanks for walking briefly down memory lane with me....

Friday, January 23, 2009


So my sweet friend Kyla had told me like, I don't know, 6 years ago that she tagged me. Ok so not 6 years ago but bear with me for the sake of a good blog. I have never been involved in a "tagging" experience so I was searching my dashboard the few times I got onto blogger, cause let's be honest..I hadn't been on in a while. So I told Kyla that I didn't think her "tag" had taken effect on the smith ranch, and she was like "sweet Roza, you have to read my blog to understand". Boy did I feel like a dork!! LOL! I had read that blog before and TOTALLY missed the part that had my name! ok, so now that I am no longer a virgin to the tagging goes... the 4th picture in my fourth folder.....and the winner is.....................Chance and Bella!

This picture was taken right before Christmas 2 years ago. Chance was 4 1/2 and Bella was 18 months...I have NO idea what he is doing with that green food coloring stuck in his ear, but Bella doesn't seem to care cause she has her little advent calendar(is that what they are called?) They LOVED waking up each morning and running to get their calendar, opening up the correct day, and finding a piece of candy! Those little chubby fingers could not work fast enough as they tore into those calendars! How exciting is Christmas time?! I love it. Man, Christmas Eve, when you are so giddy with excitement that you go to bed heart beating 900 miles an hour...straining your ears to hear the hooves on the roof top...trying so hard to go to sleep, but you just couldn't!!!! I miss that type of innocent excitement! Those were the days man! Christmas was always so amazing when we were kids, huh? I wish we had more magical experiences like that...
Well, since all the people I know that have blogs have already been tagged, I thought I would leave you with one more "magical moment"...Chance and Bella (same year as the Christmas picture) LOVING each other! LOL! Not fighting!!!! That's something we don't see everyday!!!! Aint they sweet? And yes my kitchen was purple.......

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

It's been a while

Knowing how much my blog is anticipated, I felt it necessary at 5:32 a.m. Jan. 21,2009 to put an end to your suspense.
I sit here, unable to sleep because I wake myself up from coughing every 2 seconds. Seriously, I am over the cold weather. Actually let me say, I am over weather period. Really, is it so hard to stay around the same temperature everyday? must we go from 0 to 30 to 60 to 15 all in a couple days time????? what happened to the good ole days of just being in the 70's all the time???? Oh wait, that is Florida weather!!! OOOOPPPSS!
Well, enough about that nonsense, and time to move on to the next.
Things have been going (as to be expected). I won't say things have been good, or bad...simply interesting. JD and I celebrated 7 years of marriage on New Years Eve....and for those of you who know me best, my night was not complete until I took a brisk walk. New Years Day, my sweet friend Kyla Carpenter and I were off to lay background vocals on JD's praise and worship CD...which, by the way, is now complete with 4 songs, and available only at the Smith Ranch.
As I was taking an "evening" stroll on New Years Eve, I had time to reflect on myself. Scary image at times. I am a woman of structure. I do like schedules, and knowing how long I have to do something....maybe it is the discipline of a schedule that I like. Lately, however, it was seeming as though my schedule was spinning out of control. Over the next couple of days, it was brought to my full attention just how off "schedule" I had been for the last 2months. No discipline at all, except with my attitude..that was in FULL force let me tell you. I was neglecting all that was important, and focusing on all that made everything seem UN-important. See, no Quiet Time, no connection with my husband, totally consumed with what I am "not" getting..BLAH BLAH BLAH - tends to leave a person ... . . . empty. You see, no Holy Spirit in me is a dangerous DANGEROUS place to be. The Holy Spirit for me is almost like a filter if you will. It gets down in those "hard to reach places" and cleans them out. Praise the Lord that JD and I finally have a solid group of friends that lead us back to the narrow path, and surround us with love, no matter what they have going calls of genuine concern while they are on a much needed date with their husband, driving to work in Nashville to a job that will not let you get home until 4 in the morning, Dropping everything and hanging out with me, Keeping me pre-occupied, listening to my endless babble, all the while loving me and pointing me back to the Word, coming over to my house without a moments pause to let us know things are NOT going down like this, Taking on children at a moments notice, just to offer support. Amazing, one of the most precious things that was taught to me in my life, happened in a day and a half. It's been a while since I have had that. Felt that. How quickly we lose sight of those precious humans we are privilege to call our friends. We lose sight of what it means to be brothers/sisters in Christ. That is my prayer for 2009 to display the type of love that my friends showed me. The type of love where they show that even when they are not with me they are concerned, that they are there when I need them, and that they truly want what is best in my life, to hold me accountable, correct when I am wrong, show me the Truth even when I don't want to see it..........What an awesome display of Christ in them. SO Kisses to you my friends. Thank you for sharing the "filter" you have in you, with me, during a time when I was unscrewing mine. The Holy Spirit in you, was able to fight off the Dirt in me........Thanks for your obedience, and are truly a blessing!!!!!!

Friday, December 26, 2008

Astonishment....will that feeling ever go away?

First of All, Merry Christmas!!!! I hope everyone had as much of a blessed holiday as we did here at the Smith Ranch. After joining Ivan and Lanette at his mom's house for some authentic Mexican Food, we raced home to wait for kids were so overly excited, I was astonished that they even went to sleep. So after completing some..tasks!...I settled in with my book, a fire crackling in the fireplace that JD and I can't seem to live without, and the glow of Christmas Lights from our tree bouncing off the walls. I sat there just Astonished at the blessings that get POURED out on us, even though, we don't deserve it. I don't deserve it. But that doesn't seem to matter to the Master of the Universe. King of Kings, Lord of Lords.

Christmas morning was off with a bang. I woke to the sounds of my prince, Chance and princess Bella, giggling with the anticipation of Santa!!! After wildly opening gifts, and eating and Playing, that evening we all settled down, and my phone rings....It's my Dad. I felt that familiar sense of astonishment creep through my veins. I was shocked that he had called.

I will pause here and shed a small amount of light on the history of this...Although I am 1 of 7 children, all born of the same mom, there are 3 dads total. Mike and Lisa have one father, Me Jacob Daniel all have the same dad, and then Savannah and Luke have the same dad. That is all seven of us....oldest to youngest. My mom was pregnant with me when she married my dad, and they were married for about 6 years. Needless to say, I was crushed when he left. I remember sitting on the porch with him, and him saying that he would never LEAVE me, he was just going to live somewhere else, and I would always be his girl.
Well, he did leave. For a while, he did his best. You know, living in Florida on the Gulf has its advantages...lots of fishing trips!!! So he came and got us (me jake and Daniel) often. He got a girlfriend, and luckily she didn't live far, so we got to see him alot. Then mom re-married. And my Dad, fresh out of the Police Academy hit me with a bullet that I was too you to understand...He was moving to California......In my mind, that was the other side of the WORLD. Living in the town as big as a pea in Fl. made everything thing else seem so big. So the other side of the USA might has well be Space. Well, for a while, there were birthday cards, Christmas cards, the occasional phone call. (I will not get into my life after he left..that's a whole other blog.) Then one day, it stopped. Nothing. Blankness. I was about 10, if my mind serves me right, the last time I got a card from him at Christmas. I can't recall b-days. Slowly his image started to fade in my mind, much to my dismay. I felt a void. Granted I had a step-dad, but not the same thing. I was envious of my friends that dads who seem to care about them. I hated it. Why was I so ease to dispose of???
Well, when I was 21 and found out I was pregnant with Chance, I felt the need to find my dad. So, being the Nancy Drew that I am, I found him. Gave a call, and we started talking. Then once again after a couple months, for no reason. Just nothing. He didn't call, and I was FULL of pride that wouldn't let me do it. So then a few years went by, then one day....he called. I was astonished. It was this past summer. And he wanted to arrange a time to get together. He was coming to North Carolina in October and wanted us to come...WOW a range of emotions flew throught my body. He said he would keep in touch. Long story short, I was scared to go,my with JD supportive nature and my kids driving me nuts, a road trip sounded perfect and we went. I was so astonished to see how much time went by. He looked exactly like my grandfather did before he passed. The most wonderful 2 days that I had had in a while. Then he promised to keep in touch...I was skeptical. But much to my surprise, he did. Calling often. Well, before our visit, on my B-day in Sept. He called. I was ASTONISHED. It had been YEARS....YEARS since he called. Amazing. Then a couple more calls, and then Thanksgiving Day, he called again! I was so astonished that I was still astonished to look at my phone and see his number! Then, Yesterday, Christmas Day, he called again. (he has been calling about once a week since July) and I still am astonished. Then,,,,,today....I get home, check the mail, and there is a Christmas Card from him, with money inside. I could feel the tears streaming down my cheeks as I run in the house to my husband. JD was freaking out. Let me say, money is nice. and we REALLY needed it, but that is trivial to the feeling I had just seeing an envelope in my mailbox from my dad. I sit here now - tears flowing again, and I am how much I just missed my dad. It has been 18 years since I even got a phone call on Christmas from him. Much less, a card. I called him, sobbing, and said that I was grateful for the money, but even more grateful that when I look back and try to think of him, I don't see black. I see him, and I don't have to wonder what he sounds like, I can hear him. I know this sounds crazy. I have a DAD again. and I STILL get astonished when he calls me. Let's me know that even though I don't see him, he is there for me now. Hasn't always been there, but now he is....and this is directly related to another thought I had.
When God touched me just over a year ago, I was astonished. I had not known him before, and when I looked back to see God, there was nothing but black. But now, He calls me daily. He, out of the blue, when I least expect it, gives me something that reminds me that I have not been cast out...I wasn't easy to just LEAVE. He had always been there, and wait for me to answer him. I am still astonished at what God has done. Not for just me in my personal life, but soooo many others. I hope that feeling of astonishment never goes away. It reminds me of the blessing....when I get astonished, I know that in that moment..God is there.....even though we can see Him...just like my Dad, that praise God is now in my life as well....I am a lucky girl....I have My Heavenly Father...and My Father......what an amazing astonishment...

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Don't even know....

You know I am not the best blogger in the world...I am not even sure what the purpose of blogs are...I like it..but not sure what they are for. It reminds me of a diary that is how I am going to treat this post. Even though I have had people tell me they have read my blog and I had no idea they even knew I had one! Really cool!!!!!!
So to them I say read with caution my friend....and those who know me well already...well you already know.

I don't know what has been going on with me lately. I feel completely out of control with having control on my emotions. JD tells me that I am an emotional rollercoaster...which I know he is trying to help..but since I have like 245 personalities these kinda sent me to personality #5 which isn't good. So I have been praying even more, and reading my Bible even more...and listening to praise and worship music even more...but still nothing. I just feel worse and worse. Then I don't want to talk to anyone about it cause I don't like people who ALWAYS have something wrong with them. it gets annoying after a while....then I realize I am feeling like I always have a problem....and I don't like myself...(that would be personality #7 for those of you keeping track!) I don't know what is going on.

I am not mad at anyone, I am not sad about anything in particular just mad and sad and half crazy. Then I start second guessing myself with the friends I do have. I am like.....oh they don't like me now cause I was in a bad mood yesterday or oh they are going to be annoyed with them if I try and tell them something is wrong with me....or oh they think I want pity or poor poor Roza....It sucks. I just want to get back to my old Roza. I see a glimpse of her every now and again...but then personality #148 comes and kidnaps her!

I have never had great self-esteem. I don't know if it was from being molested as a child, or from the fact that if you had a problem and spoke about it, it was made very light of by friends and family and I felt stupid for even saying anything in the first place or having 2 faced friends, and then feeling like I am 2 faced myself when I complain about someone. I have very low confidence in my appearance and all that. JD's response to this is very man-like. "Well you are beautiful to Christ and you shouldn't worry about stuff like that...blah blah blah." I understand that stuff but it still doesn't mean I don't have satan crawl all over me with a doughnut, fitness magazine, and two faced friends and make me feel fat, ugly and like no one truly cares what I feel. Then I get the "you shouldn't give satan that victory" which throws me to personality #13 which is so much guilt that I can hardly breathe.... I don't even know what is going on anymore! I have had so much therapy that seriously I should just be given some type of degree in psychiatry...but still can not shake whatever it is that is bothering me.
So, I am doing the only thing that I know to do which is type it or write it out and hope that somehow, this could be my way of giving it to the Lord. I know he hasn't left me. But I do know that satan and his 7 demon friends are shacking up in my mind and not paying rent and not allowing me to even hear the prayers that I pray. I hate feeling weak. I hate feeling like a burden to my husband, frustrated with my children, I get angry in a matter of minutes and then burst into tears and feeling bad for even saying anything to begin with. If I could not cry myself to sleep as i have the last couple of days then I would feel so much better...not only would Bella and Chance not see that or feel like it is them...but I could wake up with clear contacts and not have to change them all the time! I don't even know if this stuff makes sense and honestly don't expect it to. I do not think I am depressed. I have suffered from depression before, and this seems to come and go. I am a freak and I know that. I am crazy I know that. I just want to help people and to feel as though I belong somewhere, and not doubt myself and my friends or my husband or my kids or my job or my hair. I just want to be. I want to feel SOMETHING other than darkness....I want my kids to be able to be kids without me constantly correcting them. I don't even know.
I am so blessed but have to constantly remind myself of that. I have 2 beautiful children. AMAZING friends, and a wonderful husband...and a crazy but wonderful family. I don't know why I am feeling this way and for NO explainable reason. it is nuts! So I reach out to my dear diary. I am thankful for those prayers that have been said on my behalf. I know the Lord hears them, and that is where my strongest personality #8 comes out and reminds me of that "footprint" poem. I know I am being carried!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Where does it GO?!

So I have a confession....I am a neglector!!!!! A BLOG NEGLECTOR!!! UGH the agony, the pain!
Wow, So a whole week has gone by since my last post..and I ask you...time...where does it go! I was off ALL last week. Seriously, the school was closed and I was home......and do you think I for 5 minutes got on this computer to post a blog???? Nope! I did however, manage to find the time to torture myself at the gym the day after Thanksgiving...and I am still sore!!!!!! That's like 5 days worth of soreness.....again I ask..time...where does it go...
I am blessed with a wonderful job that allows me to spend so much time with my precious babies....but I get there and then all of a sudden it is time to leave to pick Chance up from school...and I feel as though I haven't gotten anything done...
Today was a good day. I miss my husband terribly. I love to joke around about how Bella is Satan's spawn, but really she isn't. The saddest thing in the world is when that little girl asks why her daddy can't be home. I am thankful that he isn't overseas defending our country, or God forbid living in Heaven. But still it is heartbreaking when her and Chance cry cause they want their Daddy. Usually the crying happens after they talk to him, or something. So here it is Tuesday and he will not be home until Thursday night....and time is going by so slow...WHY IS THAT!!!!!!!! When I want it to go quickly it doesn't, and when I need it to slow down, it doesn't.....WHY! Praise God for broken clocks, or windup ones that I can control!!!!! Otherwise......things may not be too peaceful at the smith ranch! LOL! Love to you all

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Date night!

Wow! What a concept! JD and I had not had a date in a very long time! Then, one night good friends and some we didn't know, blessed us with date night. Babysat for us, gave us an amazing dinner!!!! We freaked it! It was so awesome! Then we get involved with this awesome group of people!!!!! And now JD and I have had 2 dates within the last couple of months!!!!

We got to go out this past saturday night with some amazing friends. Keith and Betty Apple, while the sweet, sweet Carpenters watched our children.....and let me tell you!!! NO coming back at 8 p.m. for us this time!!!! We had great food, great conversation, and then yes my friends, we went old school and went to the skating rink!!!

Who says you can't have fun after you have married, got a mortgage, debt and babies!!!!

Thank you Jesus for my amazing friends.....especially Betty since I stole these pictures from her blog!!!!!