Don't even know....

You know I am not the best blogger in the world...I am not even sure what the purpose of blogs are...I like it..but not sure what they are for. It reminds me of a diary almost...so that is how I am going to treat this post. Even though I have had people tell me they have read my blog and I had no idea they even knew I had one! Really cool!!!!!!
So to them I say read with caution my friend....and those who know me well already...well you already know.

I don't know what has been going on with me lately. I feel completely out of control with having control on my emotions. JD tells me that I am an emotional rollercoaster...which I know he is trying to help..but since I have like 245 personalities these days....it kinda sent me to personality #5 which isn't good. So I have been praying even more, and reading my Bible even more...and listening to praise and worship music even more...but still nothing. I just feel worse and worse. Then I don't want to talk to anyone about it cause I don't like people who ALWAYS have something wrong with them. it gets annoying after a while....then I realize I am feeling like I always have a problem....and I don't like myself...(that would be personality #7 for those of you keeping track!) I don't know what is going on.

I am not mad at anyone, I am not sad about anything in particular just mad and sad and half crazy. Then I start second guessing myself with the friends I do have. I am like.....oh they don't like me now cause I was in a bad mood yesterday or oh they are going to be annoyed with them if I try and tell them something is wrong with me....or oh they think I want pity or poor poor Roza....It sucks. I just want to get back to my old Roza. I see a glimpse of her every now and again...but then personality #148 comes and kidnaps her!

I have never had great self-esteem. I don't know if it was from being molested as a child, or from the fact that if you had a problem and spoke about it, it was made very light of by friends and family and I felt stupid for even saying anything in the first place or having 2 faced friends, and then feeling like I am 2 faced myself when I complain about someone. I have very low confidence in my appearance and all that. JD's response to this is very man-like. "Well you are beautiful to Christ and you shouldn't worry about stuff like that...blah blah blah." I understand that stuff but it still doesn't mean I don't have satan crawl all over me with a doughnut, fitness magazine, and two faced friends and make me feel fat, ugly and like no one truly cares what I feel. Then I get the "you shouldn't give satan that victory" which throws me to personality #13 which is so much guilt that I can hardly breathe.... I don't even know what is going on anymore! I have had so much therapy that seriously I should just be given some type of degree in psychiatry...but still can not shake whatever it is that is bothering me.
So, I am doing the only thing that I know to do which is type it or write it out and hope that somehow, this could be my way of giving it to the Lord. I know he hasn't left me. But I do know that satan and his 7 demon friends are shacking up in my mind and not paying rent and not allowing me to even hear the prayers that I pray. I hate feeling weak. I hate feeling like a burden to my husband, frustrated with my children, I get angry in a matter of minutes and then burst into tears and feeling bad for even saying anything to begin with. If I could not cry myself to sleep as i have the last couple of days then I would feel so much better...not only would Bella and Chance not see that or feel like it is them...but I could wake up with clear contacts and not have to change them all the time! I don't even know if this stuff makes sense and honestly don't expect it to. I do not think I am depressed. I have suffered from depression before, and this seems to come and go. I am a freak and I know that. I am crazy I know that. I just want to help people and to feel as though I belong somewhere, and not doubt myself and my friends or my husband or my kids or my job or my hair. I just want to be. I want to feel SOMETHING other than darkness....I want my kids to be able to be kids without me constantly correcting them. I don't even know.
I am so blessed but have to constantly remind myself of that. I have 2 beautiful children. AMAZING friends, and a wonderful husband...and a crazy but wonderful family. I don't know why I am feeling this way and for NO explainable reason. it is nuts! So I reach out to my dear diary. I am thankful for those prayers that have been said on my behalf. I know the Lord hears them, and that is where my strongest personality #8 comes out and reminds me of that "footprint" poem. I know I am being carried!