Astonishment....will that feeling ever go away? hopefully..no...

First of All, Merry Christmas!!!! I hope everyone had as much of a blessed holiday as we did here at the Smith Ranch. After joining Ivan and Lanette at his mom's house for some authentic Mexican Food, we raced home to wait for Santa....my kids were so overly excited, I was astonished that they even went to sleep. So after completing some..tasks!...I settled in with my book, a fire crackling in the fireplace that JD and I can't seem to live without, and the glow of Christmas Lights from our tree bouncing off the walls. I sat there just dazzled..no.. Astonished at the blessings that get POURED out on us, even though, we don't deserve it. I don't deserve it. But that doesn't seem to matter to the Master of the Universe. King of Kings, Lord of Lords.

Christmas morning was off with a bang. I woke to the sounds of my prince, Chance and princess Bella, giggling with the anticipation of Santa!!! After wildly opening gifts, and eating and Playing, that evening we all settled down, and my phone rings....It's my Dad. I felt that familiar sense of astonishment creep through my veins. I was shocked that he had called.

I will pause here and shed a small amount of light on the history of this...Although I am 1 of 7 children, all born of the same mom, there are 3 dads total. Mike and Lisa have one father, Me Jacob Daniel all have the same dad, and then Savannah and Luke have the same dad. That is all seven of us....oldest to youngest. My mom was pregnant with me when she married my dad, and they were married for about 6 years. Needless to say, I was crushed when he left. I remember sitting on the porch with him, and him saying that he would never LEAVE me, he was just going to live somewhere else, and I would always be his girl.
Well, he did leave. For a while, he did his best. You know, living in Florida on the Gulf has its advantages...lots of fishing trips!!! So he came and got us (me jake and Daniel) often. He got a girlfriend, and luckily she didn't live far, so we got to see him alot. Then mom re-married. And my Dad, fresh out of the Police Academy hit me with a bullet that I was too you to understand...He was moving to California......In my mind, that was the other side of the WORLD. Living in the town as big as a pea in Fl. made everything thing else seem so big. So the other side of the USA might has well be Space. Well, for a while, there were birthday cards, Christmas cards, the occasional phone call. (I will not get into my life after he left..that's a whole other blog.) Then one day, it stopped. Nothing. Blankness. I was about 10, if my mind serves me right, the last time I got a card from him at Christmas. I can't recall b-days. Slowly his image started to fade in my mind, much to my dismay. I felt a void. Granted I had a step-dad, but not the same thing. I was envious of my friends that dads who seem to care about them. I hated it. Why was I so ease to dispose of???
Well, when I was 21 and found out I was pregnant with Chance, I felt the need to find my dad. So, being the Nancy Drew that I am, I found him. Gave a call, and we started talking. Then once again after a couple months, for no reason. Just nothing. He didn't call, and I was FULL of pride that wouldn't let me do it. So then a few years went by, then one day....he called. I was astonished. It was this past summer. And he wanted to arrange a time to get together. He was coming to North Carolina in October and wanted us to come...WOW a range of emotions flew throught my body. He said he would keep in touch. Long story short, I was scared to go,my with JD supportive nature and my kids driving me nuts, a road trip sounded perfect and we went. I was so astonished to see how much time went by. He looked exactly like my grandfather did before he passed. The most wonderful 2 days that I had had in a while. Then he promised to keep in touch...I was skeptical. But much to my surprise, he did. Calling often. Well, before our visit, on my B-day in Sept. He called. I was ASTONISHED. It had been YEARS....YEARS since he called. Amazing. Then a couple more calls, and then Thanksgiving Day, he called again! I was so astonished that I was still astonished to look at my phone and see his number! Then, Yesterday, Christmas Day, he called again. (he has been calling about once a week since July) and I still am astonished. Then,,,,,today....I get home, check the mail, and there is a Christmas Card from him, with money inside. I could feel the tears streaming down my cheeks as I run in the house to my husband. JD was freaking out. Let me say, money is nice. and we REALLY needed it, but that is trivial to the feeling I had just seeing an envelope in my mailbox from my dad. I sit here now - tears flowing again, and I am shocked...astonished..at how much I just missed my dad. It has been 18 years since I even got a phone call on Christmas from him. Much less, a card. I called him, sobbing, and said that I was grateful for the money, but even more grateful that when I look back and try to think of him, I don't see black. I see him, and I don't have to wonder what he sounds like, I can hear him. I know this sounds crazy. I have a DAD again. and I STILL get astonished when he calls me. Let's me know that even though I don't see him, he is there for me now. Hasn't always been there, but now he is....and this is directly related to another thought I had.
When God touched me just over a year ago, I was astonished. I had not known him before, and when I looked back to see God, there was nothing but black. But now, He calls me daily. He, out of the blue, when I least expect it, gives me something that reminds me that I have not been cast out...I wasn't easy to just LEAVE. He had always been there, and wait for me to answer him. I am still astonished at what God has done. Not for just me in my personal life, but soooo many others. I hope that feeling of astonishment never goes away. It reminds me of the blessing....when I get astonished, I know that in that moment..God is there.....even though we can see Him...just like my Dad, that praise God is now in my life as well....I am a lucky girl....I have My Heavenly Father...and My Father......what an amazing astonishment...

Don't even know....

You know I am not the best blogger in the world...I am not even sure what the purpose of blogs are...I like it..but not sure what they are for. It reminds me of a diary almost...so that is how I am going to treat this post. Even though I have had people tell me they have read my blog and I had no idea they even knew I had one! Really cool!!!!!!
So to them I say read with caution my friend....and those who know me well already...well you already know.

I don't know what has been going on with me lately. I feel completely out of control with having control on my emotions. JD tells me that I am an emotional rollercoaster...which I know he is trying to help..but since I have like 245 personalities these days....it kinda sent me to personality #5 which isn't good. So I have been praying even more, and reading my Bible even more...and listening to praise and worship music even more...but still nothing. I just feel worse and worse. Then I don't want to talk to anyone about it cause I don't like people who ALWAYS have something wrong with them. it gets annoying after a while....then I realize I am feeling like I always have a problem....and I don't like myself...(that would be personality #7 for those of you keeping track!) I don't know what is going on.

I am not mad at anyone, I am not sad about anything in particular just mad and sad and half crazy. Then I start second guessing myself with the friends I do have. I am like.....oh they don't like me now cause I was in a bad mood yesterday or oh they are going to be annoyed with them if I try and tell them something is wrong with me....or oh they think I want pity or poor poor Roza....It sucks. I just want to get back to my old Roza. I see a glimpse of her every now and again...but then personality #148 comes and kidnaps her!

I have never had great self-esteem. I don't know if it was from being molested as a child, or from the fact that if you had a problem and spoke about it, it was made very light of by friends and family and I felt stupid for even saying anything in the first place or having 2 faced friends, and then feeling like I am 2 faced myself when I complain about someone. I have very low confidence in my appearance and all that. JD's response to this is very man-like. "Well you are beautiful to Christ and you shouldn't worry about stuff like that...blah blah blah." I understand that stuff but it still doesn't mean I don't have satan crawl all over me with a doughnut, fitness magazine, and two faced friends and make me feel fat, ugly and like no one truly cares what I feel. Then I get the "you shouldn't give satan that victory" which throws me to personality #13 which is so much guilt that I can hardly breathe.... I don't even know what is going on anymore! I have had so much therapy that seriously I should just be given some type of degree in psychiatry...but still can not shake whatever it is that is bothering me.
So, I am doing the only thing that I know to do which is type it or write it out and hope that somehow, this could be my way of giving it to the Lord. I know he hasn't left me. But I do know that satan and his 7 demon friends are shacking up in my mind and not paying rent and not allowing me to even hear the prayers that I pray. I hate feeling weak. I hate feeling like a burden to my husband, frustrated with my children, I get angry in a matter of minutes and then burst into tears and feeling bad for even saying anything to begin with. If I could not cry myself to sleep as i have the last couple of days then I would feel so much better...not only would Bella and Chance not see that or feel like it is them...but I could wake up with clear contacts and not have to change them all the time! I don't even know if this stuff makes sense and honestly don't expect it to. I do not think I am depressed. I have suffered from depression before, and this seems to come and go. I am a freak and I know that. I am crazy I know that. I just want to help people and to feel as though I belong somewhere, and not doubt myself and my friends or my husband or my kids or my job or my hair. I just want to be. I want to feel SOMETHING other than darkness....I want my kids to be able to be kids without me constantly correcting them. I don't even know.
I am so blessed but have to constantly remind myself of that. I have 2 beautiful children. AMAZING friends, and a wonderful husband...and a crazy but wonderful family. I don't know why I am feeling this way and for NO explainable reason. it is nuts! So I reach out to my dear diary. I am thankful for those prayers that have been said on my behalf. I know the Lord hears them, and that is where my strongest personality #8 comes out and reminds me of that "footprint" poem. I know I am being carried!

Where does it GO?!

So I have a confession....I am a neglector!!!!! A BLOG NEGLECTOR!!! UGH the agony, the pain!
Wow, So a whole week has gone by since my last post..and I ask you...time...where does it go! I was off ALL last week. Seriously, the school was closed and I was home......and do you think I for 5 minutes got on this computer to post a blog???? Nope! I did however, manage to find the time to torture myself at the gym the day after Thanksgiving...and I am still sore!!!!!! That's like 5 days worth of soreness.....again I ask..time...where does it go...
I am blessed with a wonderful job that allows me to spend so much time with my precious babies....but I get there and then all of a sudden it is time to leave to pick Chance up from school...and I feel as though I haven't gotten anything done...
Today was a good day. I miss my husband terribly. I love to joke around about how Bella is Satan's spawn, but really she isn't. The saddest thing in the world is when that little girl asks why her daddy can't be home. I am thankful that he isn't overseas defending our country, or God forbid living in Heaven. But still it is heartbreaking when her and Chance cry cause they want their Daddy. Usually the crying happens after they talk to him, or something. So here it is Tuesday and he will not be home until Thursday night....and time is going by so slow...WHY IS THAT!!!!!!!! When I want it to go quickly it doesn't, and when I need it to slow down, it doesn't.....WHY! Praise God for broken clocks, or windup ones that I can control!!!!! Otherwise......things may not be too peaceful at the smith ranch! LOL! Love to you all